Yeah!

After writing up my Ultimate Mixed Tape (thanks to Tia at Clever Girl Goes Blog for that idea, too) post, I started listening to those songs over and over again. The memories attached to all are significant to me, but there is one song that there aren't memories attached to, just current thoughts and emotions.

That is Jesus Christ by Brand New.

I know I already posted about how it seems to fit my life perfectly at this point in time, but at the time, I didn't even realize how accurate that statement was. I feel like this song was written for me. Now, I know I can't be the only one who feels that way about this song - or any song for that matter. Everyone has that one track that is like the soundtrack to their life.

So what I decided to do was go through the lyrics, break them down, and figure out exactly why this song affects me so much. So, let us see what's going on with this song:

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle

The first thing that comes to mind for this part is when I met my current girlfriend. She didn't realize it at the time, but I was a wreck. I had just quit using heroin for the first time and broke up with my now ex-girlfriend after she went behind my back and had an abortion without even telling me. I didn't know up from down, and I felt like I was losing it. My now current girlfriend coming in to my life, to be honest, probably saved my life.

Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
With nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through

This part is a perfect description of what I feel like I am going through right now. In the last 3 years, I've managed to isolate myself from my friends and a good portion of my family. I sold my car for $90 to buy heroin. I fucked myself over. I feel like I am missing out now. Like everything good is happening somewhere else. I sit alone in my bed at night while my girlfriend is working from 4pm to 2am 6 nights a week, and it's so hard to get through. I have no reason to leave my house everyday. I feel stuck. I feel like there should be so much more to life, but I just can't find it right now.

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone

I hope thats not true. I've never been a religious person, but just like any human being, I wonder. What is there after life? I think I'm at the stage in my life where I really want to figure it all out. Is there a heaven? Is there a hell? Which one will I go to? I feel like, based on everything I've done in my life, it will be hell, and I think that's what they mean in the song. He will die all alone, and when he arrives he wont know anyone, because he's going to hell while everyone else went to heaven. Just my interpretation.

Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem is gonna last
More than the weekend

Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
But I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Or do I float through the ceiling

The first verse brings to mind the fact that what I'm going through right now is not a temporary problem. If I don't do something to change the way my life is going, my loneliness and unhappiness will go on and on. The second verse is exactly what I was talking about in the last section. I personally am not scared to die at all. What scares me is what happens after. I'm sure we would all feel better if we somehow knew.

Or do I divide and pull apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

This part is probably the most significant to me. "Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark." In my life, I've done much more bad than good. The ship sinking before it gets to land is like trying so hard to make a good life for myself but falling short. My bright could never hold back all my dark.

I know you're coming in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you're coming for the people like me

This part, to me, represents the fact that I know, one day, I am going to die, just like everyone else. Despite trying to do good to make up for all the bad I've done, it isn't going to change the fact that I still did bad. "I know you think that I'm someone you can trust, but I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up," is another way of saying that. I've done what I can to make myself look worthy of being accepted in heaven, but in the end, I'll probably just do something to fuck up my opportunity. The last three lines are like me trying to figure out a way to know when the end is coming so I can prepare for it and try my hardest not to screw up.

I realize this is probably a very depressing post, and I'm sorry for that. I just had to type it out. I had to get how I felt about this song out. I had no idea it resonated so much with-in me. I must say, I feel better now. I promise this will be the last depressing post I ever put up here.

My Ultimate Mixed Tape

I totally stole this idea from one of the blogs I follow, Clever Girl Goes Blog. She did a post called 'The Art of the Mixed Tape' and it got me thinking about what I would put on my mixed tape if I had to pick thirteen (I only did 10) of my favorite songs.

It wasn't easy at all. There were so many I wanted to put on that I couldn't. Putting two great songs next to each other and trying to choose which one of them you like better is very hard, as I'm sure most of you know. It took a while, but after three nights of beer and swapping CD's in and out of my stereo, I came up with what I think would be my Ultimate Mixed Tape.

(The hardest part was finding some of these songs on YouTube.)

So, here it is, 10 songs that mean the most to me. Of course, if this were a different stage in my life, all 10 of these would be different songs. But for right now, these are the 10 songs that mean the most to me:


Better Go Home Now by The Dirty Three - This song takes me back to high school - early high school - when my friends and I had just discovered what music sounded like on various drugs. Drugs are bad, I know, but we were young. The single memory that comes to me when I hear this song is sitting in my Ford Ranger at a gas station, waiting for the other car full of friends to meet us for a night out. My friend Jim and I lied back in the reclined front seats, out of our heads on ecstasy, and this track was playing on my CD player. The world seemed strangely perfect for 3 minutes and 41 seconds

East Hastings by Godspeed You Black Emperor - I am such a sucker for dark, eerie, instrumental pieces, and this song epitomizes that description. When I heard it used in the movie 28 Days Later, I about shit myself. I couldn't think of a better pairing of music and film.

Dramamine by Modest Mouse - The first Modest Mouse song I ever heard. The raw sound and emotion in this track has stuck to me ever since that day, back in 9th grade. It reminds me of my first band and sitting in my basement all night with my friends, trying to imitate their style. We never could do it, but we did have a lot of fun trying.

Under The Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers - This track goes way back to my childhood and driving to the beach with my mom and two brothers, all of us singing it at the top of our lungs. It was my oldest brothers' favorite song, so it was also my favorite song. I rediscovered it later on in life, and it continues to be one of my all time favorites.

Love Song by Snake River Conspiracy - Besides being the best cover of The Cure's 'Love Song' I've ever heard, it's one of the sexiest songs I've ever heard. This song + slow, rough, steamy sex = WIN.

How Did This Room Get So White? by The Red Stars Theory - Another instrumental masterpiece. Chaotic and beautiful. This sounds totally lame, but I could imagine floating through sounds and lights with this song. It's mellow then loud and out of control. Just like Dramamine by Modest Mouse, it takes me back to 9th or 10th grade when I was just discovering music like this (I guess you could call it Indie.) I realized that mainstream music wasn't the only kind of music there is. It opened my eyes to the vast horizons of what was possible with sound and music. This song made me want to be a better musician.

Cat Faces by Ugly Casanova - Yet another throwback to my drug using days. On a high dose of a certain three letter psychedelic, this track - and the rest of the Sharpen Your Teeth album - contributed to a mind blowing trip that left me contemplating what my life was all about and helped me get a little bit closer to understanding who I am on the inside. Even when I hear it today, I think of that night and how profound it was. The lyrics have nothing to do with any of that, but something about the way it all sounded got me thinking about crazy things.

The Package by A Perfect Circle - Reminds me of who I was when I was hooked on heroin, and reminds me to never be that person again. The lyrics perfectly describe the thought process I went through all day, every day: always lying to get what I needed. This is the only song on this list that touches something in me that I don't like to think about, so I have nothing else to say.

Stinkfist by Tool - Along the same lines as 'The Package,' this song reminds me of my heroin addiction. The difference is, Stinkfist is almost like an internal dialogue I would have with the drug as I was falling into the addiction. The soft spoken parts are what the heroin would say, and the screaming is my pleading response. Besides all that, it's one of the best Tool songs. Musically and lyrically amazing.

Jesus Christ by Brand New - Perfectly portrays where I am at in life today: lost, alone, confused, and terrified of death. At this point in time, I have more in common with this song than any other.

There it is folks. Enjoy.