Yeah!

After writing up my Ultimate Mixed Tape (thanks to Tia at Clever Girl Goes Blog for that idea, too) post, I started listening to those songs over and over again. The memories attached to all are significant to me, but there is one song that there aren't memories attached to, just current thoughts and emotions.

That is Jesus Christ by Brand New.

I know I already posted about how it seems to fit my life perfectly at this point in time, but at the time, I didn't even realize how accurate that statement was. I feel like this song was written for me. Now, I know I can't be the only one who feels that way about this song - or any song for that matter. Everyone has that one track that is like the soundtrack to their life.

So what I decided to do was go through the lyrics, break them down, and figure out exactly why this song affects me so much. So, let us see what's going on with this song:

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle

The first thing that comes to mind for this part is when I met my current girlfriend. She didn't realize it at the time, but I was a wreck. I had just quit using heroin for the first time and broke up with my now ex-girlfriend after she went behind my back and had an abortion without even telling me. I didn't know up from down, and I felt like I was losing it. My now current girlfriend coming in to my life, to be honest, probably saved my life.

Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
With nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through

This part is a perfect description of what I feel like I am going through right now. In the last 3 years, I've managed to isolate myself from my friends and a good portion of my family. I sold my car for $90 to buy heroin. I fucked myself over. I feel like I am missing out now. Like everything good is happening somewhere else. I sit alone in my bed at night while my girlfriend is working from 4pm to 2am 6 nights a week, and it's so hard to get through. I have no reason to leave my house everyday. I feel stuck. I feel like there should be so much more to life, but I just can't find it right now.

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone

I hope thats not true. I've never been a religious person, but just like any human being, I wonder. What is there after life? I think I'm at the stage in my life where I really want to figure it all out. Is there a heaven? Is there a hell? Which one will I go to? I feel like, based on everything I've done in my life, it will be hell, and I think that's what they mean in the song. He will die all alone, and when he arrives he wont know anyone, because he's going to hell while everyone else went to heaven. Just my interpretation.

Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem is gonna last
More than the weekend

Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
But I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Or do I float through the ceiling

The first verse brings to mind the fact that what I'm going through right now is not a temporary problem. If I don't do something to change the way my life is going, my loneliness and unhappiness will go on and on. The second verse is exactly what I was talking about in the last section. I personally am not scared to die at all. What scares me is what happens after. I'm sure we would all feel better if we somehow knew.

Or do I divide and pull apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

This part is probably the most significant to me. "Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark." In my life, I've done much more bad than good. The ship sinking before it gets to land is like trying so hard to make a good life for myself but falling short. My bright could never hold back all my dark.

I know you're coming in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you're coming for the people like me

This part, to me, represents the fact that I know, one day, I am going to die, just like everyone else. Despite trying to do good to make up for all the bad I've done, it isn't going to change the fact that I still did bad. "I know you think that I'm someone you can trust, but I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up," is another way of saying that. I've done what I can to make myself look worthy of being accepted in heaven, but in the end, I'll probably just do something to fuck up my opportunity. The last three lines are like me trying to figure out a way to know when the end is coming so I can prepare for it and try my hardest not to screw up.

I realize this is probably a very depressing post, and I'm sorry for that. I just had to type it out. I had to get how I felt about this song out. I had no idea it resonated so much with-in me. I must say, I feel better now. I promise this will be the last depressing post I ever put up here.